Lost for Words

You've left me in pitch darkness...
Now I don’t have hope to see the light!

My life was based on those hopeless and helpless words a few weeks ago... now I have seen light... light not of some star or beam... but the light that radiates from the people around me.

I posted this cause I have nothing better to post :(

Every-bloody-body wants to leave his/her footprint when they leave. Footprints on history! People always want their successors to look unto them and say these were my predecessors, my ancestors and my godparents. These people want to seek immortality in whatever they do.

What these people are doing in that way is stopping creativity, halting imagination and prohibiting originality. Never content, never satisfied or happy… these people throw what all they do onto their children or surrounding friends and family. They act as mentors and “guide” the people actually into room of vacuum.

Some might argue that we have evolved by such practices; I ask what evolution without originality or ingenuity is? What all we could have become but did not? What all we could have done but cannot?

We have arrived at the dead end of science and religion…we keep practicing the same principles, the same dogmas and directionless creed. What is philosophy if it is not your own? What is attitude if it is artificial? What is a stance or position if it is synthetic and simulated rather than your own?

I want to create my own footprints not my fore-fathers’… And I would rather sustain myself for my life rather than uphold a consignment of my ancestors’ history for ages.

This part of my life is called… REALIZATION! And I am not quite sure if I have realized or not what all I have left behind… what all I have ruined and what all I will never see again.

Life… and beyond… There are trips and there are TRIPS. I have very recently been on a trip… the trip of life… it has spanned for more than two decades and continues to extend. I have just realized what all it consists of, and what all I have missed all the while searching for it.

Now, I am at a time where I have no proper aim or ambition. With no proper plans or pursuits, I am a nomad - roaming here and there… looking at menial things which helps me pass time and make myself busy.

What next? Every day I wake up and do things the same way, visit friends, do the same things, it has become monotonous and repetitive. What will I do in the next week itself is a big question, and my friends ask me what I plan to do with my life!

What can I do? What should I do? The only good thing I can do is writing… and that too I haven’t been doing properly. Maybe I should concentrate on things which would help me live rather than just survive. I am doing things now, which I cried out saying I wouldn’t do. My life has become a farce.

P.S. – I have in the past assumed myself to be superior to others and in that way became secluded to only one half of all content. I now apologize to all those people and regret all that I have missed.

P.P.S – I used to acknowledge all encouraging comments to my own wisdom and talent, and blamed all negative comments on the foolishness and discrimination of the commenters. I regret having done so.

I am seeking my life. I am not talking about going from one day to another mundanely, depressed and feeling worthless. I am talking about living. About being okay with whom I am and feeling that I am worth something. I am seeking something bigger and better in my life. All this monotony and uniformity is killing me. I am also looking for something or someone to look up to, to idolize, to follow and pursue

I think most or at least a part of the problem lies in me. I tend to expect more out of life than just trivial talk and mundane days going by without any significance. My friends tell me to enjoy every moment, but I can’t. I tend to keep thinking more about what I wish for than what I have in hand. It’s like the old saying a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. But I keep looking for the two in the bush than the bird in hand.

Can I change? Will I change? Well only I and time can tell…

The unexpected tranquility engulfs you, forcing you into going numb. Some people say they like this feeling. These people, they lie. You continue, hoping that the blizzard can be delayed or even stopped...forever. But one has to be sure that the sudden rush of wind does not blow them away, to a place from where you cannot be brought back. I hope I am not blown too far away... to a place which is out of reach and out of sight.

Have you ever felt this feeling that all you want to do is sleep; sleep forever… sleep as if you were an infant, in the safe confines of your house? That state, whether it is common to others or not, is a feeling that I am experiencing now. Today, this hour, this minute and moment, I just want to sleep, go dormant, hibernate and entirely stop functioning. I am exhausted. And that is an understatement. In fact I have reached a state of numbness!

It's that point in your life when you want to give up on everything and it comes from exhaustion. The energy to reach out and thrust yourself beyond is saturated and you no longer have the urge to do the pushing anymore.

I really have no idea how to thrust myself now. Should I just let go, let things be, let the stillness encompass me the way fate wants, or should I still wrestle it?

I am today at a position where I have reached a blockade, a dead end, from where all I can do is falter. How can I circumvent this? How can I outwit, evade or dodge it? Especially when it is controlled by fate itself.

Isn’t it strange how destiny plays various parts in a life that shuns it and in fact doesn’t believe in it? How then do you make sure that what all you do rests in your hands alone? How can you win a battle against fate?