The Iconoclast

Well to start with, this topic is very personal and very true. I am now in the best of my minds, and nothing, as I write this, is wrong with me (Except for the fact that I am bipolarized).

There was this one day when I realized that the day’s dosage was ineffective and someone triggered my mania, the voices in my head returned. They begged me to stop all this. End it once and for all; I was being tempted to the dark side of the force! But I wanted to see places, meet people, enjoy, have fun and lead a normal life. But my mind was being tugged at both ends. And eventually (and thankfully) sanity won.

My brain is split in two. One half covets pain, misery and absolute agony. I am being rendered useless. My medication works most of the time. But when it doesn’t the agony is unbearable. I don’t even have a reason to be depressed, yet my mind screws everything up.

But there is this other part of me which wants euphoria and normal happiness isn’t enough. This part generates creativity which is abundant and overflowing. But there is a glitch to this as well. I lose all sense of rational thinking, my mind is sent into overdrive. I can’t think properly. I become delusional. I can’t take simple decisions.

There are things which give my mind some semblance of peace. Like children, their innocence, their freedom, their joy. Like the birds and their joyful flight. Like water and its purity, its ability to blend into anything.

But there is this thin line between being intelligent and going insane, and I tread that line whenever mania hits me. I create amazing ideas which can’t be explained. I get ideas or rather nightmares about the world. I feel like I am in The Truman Show, I feel like I am living in The Matrix, like I am destined to do things to make the world a better place. I feel responsible, but I also feel that I am bearing the burden of the entire Universe.

How long do I continue like this? What if one day the medication stops working and I am hit with a bout of manic depression? This would lead to the two ends of a spectrum meeting, amalgamating and eventually leading to chaos, like parallel lines meeting. What if my creativity becomes (self-) destructive? What if my craving for death overshadows my will to live??

Hey People... It’s so good to be back! Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages... Re-Introducing to you - Aditya

Almost a month ago I had been prescribed to take dosages of Nexito and Risdone Plus. And if you are taking prescription medicines but don’t know how they are prescribed to you then you are abusing drugs, so I googled them on the internet to find my disease and soon realized that I suffer from a psychosomatic syndrome.

I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, this means that I cycle between bouts of acute depression and stints of absolute mania. I never knew that this was a disorder... I thought it was something everyone goes through.

So I ask - where lies my viewpoint of sensible thinking and reasoning?

Anyway, this mania thing is extremely confusing.  First of all my mind gets filled with ideas. They come faster than I can write them down.  Each one is an idea to treasure.  Each one is brilliant and fascinating and sure to enlighten and engage.
 
And then suddenly the depression sets in, and my furious actions of everything I do (writing stuff, reading books, watching telly, listening to music, hanging out with friends); all of these seem like a waste of time. That is the reason why my recent posts were all apathetic and depressing.

The most disturbing thing of all is to feel so passionate about something in a state of mania only to feel unsure about it the next moment.  Or worse, feel that it was absurd, silly and immature.
 
But the biggest question is - which one is the reality?  Which state, mania or depression, is more logical or should I say the least delusional?  And is there a place where most individuals live their lives, where both states are toned down with sensible thinking?

I am now “functioning” (and I use the term very loosely) in a distorted condition, so it is difficult to judge the merit of anything.  It is difficult to choose from one of a thousand ideas.

Through all of this, there are people who genuinely want to see me get a good life and all, but they don’t understand what I’m going through... In fact I don’t know what is being conjured up in my twisted brain!

Well, thankfully the medicines are working. I am sleeping soundly.  I have slowed down which is a great sign.  The “bad thoughts” have decreased. But there are times when I feel really alone.  The people in my life don’t understand.  They are concerned but they have no idea what I am talking about. I want to know that I am not alone.  Isn’t that what we all need? Please let me know that you are out there.  Let me know that I am not going crazy.

I am lost. All of us are.

Mankind as a whole is actually misplaced. We have wandered too deep and too hastily into the unknown. We are now hanging between nothingness, heading from void to void. We are trapped; we have nowhere else to go. We are now plummeting to the depths of an abyss.  We are being consumed by the chasms of obscurity. We are morally and logically misplaced. We may have reached the heights of scientific progress, but have no purpose in life. We might have evolved from coins to credit cards; barter system to banks and businesses, but have no real direction in life. We go to jobs, punch data into machines and we do this work for hours on end, just to earn a few scraps of paper  called currency, which they say are the portals to happiness.

We are on the edge of fate, a single wrong move and we are doomed for eternity. We have come from relishing the wonders of ice and snow to being unconcerned by the powers of nature. We have ironically used scientific and (so called) intellectual progress to bring about our downfall.  Authority is not given to us to own land let alone segregate it, yet we divide it into cities, countries and continents; we pollute, contaminate and destroy both the planet and ourselves. We are a walking contradiction. We consider ourselves to be the most intelligent species, but which creature, organism or being would obliterate its own habitat. We are worse than viruses; we are like parasites and leeches. We are an infection, a disease, an illness.

Through a history spanning at least 10,000 years, we as a group have come from being intelligent and creative to being stupid and devastating. We might have built sanctuaries and shrines devoted to nature and its splendour, yet today we erase forests in the blink of an eye. We might have worshipped the stars and the universe, yet now we are less than intrigued by the magnificence of the cosmos. We have lost the will to remain happy; we tread a path of joylessness.

Everyday we strive for newer meanings of happiness, and we believe it to be the source of human progress. An origin for newer technology and benefits for society; a path which leads to eternal bliss and delight, but there is no such place. Every innovation is erased to fit another; yesterday’s crest is today’s trough.  We fight over religions whose basis is to unite; we kill over money, which we conceived for own satisfaction and ease. What do we aim for in life, what is the use of living each day with no real sense of purpose and validation.

I cry with anticipation into the vacuum, my barren eyes seek for hope in emptiness and the screams of a trillion shattered lives haunt me.

P.S. - Now people might ask me (well, the process has already begun) about what I want to do or what the basic purpose of a life should be... well to put it plainly...I don’t know. But the one thing that I do know (with assurance) is that it shouldn’t be this way.

P.P.S. - And for those of you who say that I should fine-tune, change, adapt and adjust myself to this form of the world - screw you... I get one chance at life, and you wish that I waste it by working at ‘9 to 5’ jobs and ponder over where I’d invest my life’s savings? I’d rather watch endless telly!!

P.P.P.S. – Congratulations FullHyd, for being India's no. 1 online local guide in traffic in a city.

As I gaze with my pair of murky eyes,
I witness a world with conflict and no peace,
A world where refuge is sought in burning houses,
A world which endures through strife and chaos,
What is the use of such a civilization?

This world of mine is in decay...
What if I get to live in a world like this?

A world which runs on dark ideas,
A world which continues to destroy itself,
A world where death comes every day,
A world which can kill you for praising it,
This is a world where you and I exist,

This world of mine is imploding...
What if I get to live in a world like this?

A world which runs on ashes and embers,
A world devoid of hope and faith,
Where people die in infected ruins,
The survivors take shelter from a downpour of fire,
They too will be destroyed and devoured.

This world of mine is contaminated...
What if I get to live in a world like this?

We search for divinity and a deity,
But they say they too have been slain,
A world where Gods are slaughtered,
A world where Satan is made king,
We live in a world of pandemonium.

This world of mine is crumbling...
What if I get to rule a world like this?

This world is not restricted to earth,
It transcends the stars and the universe,
We who dwell here can see all this,
But we are powerless and feeble,
We live in a world of anarchy.

This world of mine is declining...
What if I get to rule a world like this?

This world devoid of sympathy,
A world where relations are lies,
A world which claims itself paradise,
This world is nothing but hell and a nightmare
I wish this world at least remained this way

This world of mine has reached rock bottom and is still digging...
What if I get to rule a world like this?

Where are the Prophets and where are the Seers?
Have we no one now to look forward?
Where have we gone wrong?
A world where to err is human...
But where is the divinity to forgive?

This world of mine has ended.

Of the Universe and the Human Species!

It is not that the Cosmos is unable to hate or cause damage. If only the Universe knew that we humans as a species are not just intruding but also claiming its territory, it would spurn us. Or sympathize for us. But unfortunately it's just too darn busy to be bothered.

Of Cowardice!

My friends (and also most people who know me!) think I am a coward. They say that I don’t have even an iota of capability to show valour and bravery. So, I say this – If being too careful and cautious is termed as being fearful and a sign of cowardice then I am a coward. And if being too rash, hasty, hurried and underprepared is termed as bravery then I am not brave!

” Cowards die a thousand deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once.” – William Shakespeare

But then again... the cowards return to live a thousand lives where as the valiant stay dead!!

Of Cell Phones!!

1:45 A.M., I am on the edge of sleep. I am almost on the verge of going into the best state of sleep that this week could give me, warm up cricket matches and friends from far off places had caused my sleep times to go astray. As I finally swayed into far off lands found only in deep confines of my sub-conscious mind, a loud beep goes off. I am awakened and lost. I seek with my drowsy eyes as I find the culprit to be my cell phone, in the unlit and dark room, the only light was from the glow of the neon lights of my old and rusted cell phone.

I apparently had a new text message. So I was lost in thoughts, who could it be at this time of the night. I thought of abandoning the message till morning. The light from the cell phone was like an apparition or a spirit from the other world, eerie and ethereal. I was now scared, first by the light and then by the sudden thought that what if someone was in trouble, a crisis or situation was at hand and they need me there, someone was surely in pain, I thought. There were a thousand questions in my mind, who could it be, how could I help, what could possibly have happened? Then I dragged myself by the vision of my drowsy and tired eyes (and not forgetting to trip on the mess of clothes, books and CD’s) and I finally made it to the table and then as I scanned the table and finally got hold of the cell phone. I had all the while through the journey from my bed to the table fortified myself emotionally for the tragedy or crisis that was about to befall on me. My sleep had been overcome by fear and concern.

And as I made my way through the complex web of unlocking the phone, going to the menu, seeking out the message and as my now awakened mind finally laid eyes on the message it read thus –

“Dear XYZ Customer, we have received notice of your request to unsubscribe to our daily messages and offers. Your request has been processed and you will not receive any further text messages from XYZ. To resubscribe to the package, please SMS blah, blah, blah to ABCD.”

Aaaaarrghhh!!! The world is filled with jobless morons!!